Just a warning, this particular post is about marriage, it is not intended to incite riots, please stay calm, no one is being hurt, there is no talk of homosexuality or hatred of lifestyles. This blog pertains to my life only and does not express opinion on any political issues. Just a blog about my thoughts on gender rolls in MY heterosexual marriage. Thank you for no hate comments.
This year marks the 9th year of Marriage and the more or less 13th year that the big man and myself have been together. I have been thinking about a lot of different things as I am starting to plan our 10th Anniversary Vow renewal next year, one question throughout our whole marriage that has run through my mind: "Am I the man in this relationship?".
To some this may be odd especially if you know me. I am a girly girl, flamboyant and ditsy at times, however I am also the "I'm not going anywhere, I'm not brushing my hair" girl. I guess the reason I ask these questions about gender rolls in this relationship is because of how I see our relationship is different from most, from my vantage point anyway. My husband is very sentimental, don't get me wrong, I am also, just not to the extent he is. We have a basement full of things that either belonged to him as a child or someone else in his family, that all though are not being used and never will be, we can't possibly get rid of them. Granted I have a few things, but not too many, but in fairness we do live in the house that we purchased from My grandparents because I couldn't stand the fact that the house might have strangers in it. I am now thinking to myself I probably could have been happy anywhere and it doesn't feel like the same house anymore, but it still feels like home and there are memories here still even though we are pretty much re doing the whole place.
My husband worries about the future. Most men I know don't even think there will be a tomorrow, they just don't seem to care, as long as their needs right now are taking care of it. Their attitude is I'm OK right now, my family is OK right now, let God and or my wife worry about tomorrow, let's have a beer and fix something. I am like that except for the fix something part, I couldn't fix a block tower. I think about the future and want good things for the family, but I figure we have made it this far we will be OK, so I don't really fixate on it or worry too much.
I like a clean house, but hey we live here and well, I have better things to do than clean all day. My husband is a neat freak!!!! If I don't clean the house he thinks I don't love him. Seriously he told me that! He feels like if I don't get up and do the dishes after dinner or make sure he has clean underwear everyday. That means I don't love him. NOW before you all go off on how I'm a stay at home mom and the least I can do is do dishes and make sure he has clean underwear. Yes I do not have a job per say, but I do. I run a small business in our basement that keeps me busy pretty much from 5:30 am till 6pm and I bring in a fair amount of money to the house, the way I see it my family is lucky I make them dinner at all, especially when my husband is home at 4 almost every day. And the underwear thing, my husband has OCD about his underwear and I don't really know when he is running low because of the ones he refuses to wear, I don't know which is which because to me they all look the same. The fact that the attention to underwear details is not in my realm of concern is just one more way to prove that I am a guy.
I fall asleep on the couch after eating almost every night, well he does too.
In a crisis he gets emotional and panics and I (no matter how I am feeling inside) have to be the logical one and stay calm and think it through
He changes his mind all the time!!! Seriously it makes me want to scream!
ON the other hand....
He WILL NOT have a conversation with me unless he dominates it, I couldn't possibly know anything. A trait he gets from his father that I can't stand!!!
If I am upset about something rather than, holding me and listening, he is thinking and rarely but sometimes is stupid enough to say, "well what do you want me to do about it" Or "If I can't help, why bother talking to me about it."
I am super affectionate, he is not.
I will go without so he and little man can have what and all they want to eat, He cares that he "gets the big piece of chicken".
I want to be loved and cherished, he wants to be respected.
I want him to fix things, he is a fixer.
I am detailed and over think things that are important, he is a big picture person just tell him what you want and shut up.
I love to wear skirts and he does not.
I cringe at dirt on my body, he definitely doesn't care.
Maybe I don't have my gender rolls confused. I just "ams what I ams, and that's all that I ams" and that is ok. I could go on for days on the gender rolls of my marriage, but my husband needs clean underwear because he can't wear any of the 5 pair in his wardrobe right now.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother of a Day
I always get excited about Mother's day, well since I became a mother almost 6 years ago. I am not sure why, I don't expect to be lavished with gifts or be overly pampered, but I had it in my mind that it is the one day, I would be made to feel special. OH BOY WAS I WRONG!!!
I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss for years and I most of the time secretly struggle with this. I don't share with the world how hurt this makes me. I think about it frequently, and even more so when I have my not so monthly visitor. I don't get why I have to suffer with Menses (and yes I suffer, if I could even describe) if I am not going to get the reward of child birth. I don't want to make this blog about infertility, although I will at some point talk about it in more depth.
We were blessed to be able to adopt the little man and I have cherished every minute of our lives with him, but my heart still yearns to give birth, to have a child of my own, to know what other women know, to have that feeling and connection I missed out on. I was just handed a child and said you can raise him. It was kind of alien in a way, all though a joyous time for us.
So back to Mother's day. My first one my husband had to work and it was just like another day, except he felt the pressure to do something because he knew I was kind of excited about my first mother's day so the day ended in a fight. Back then a lot of our days ended that way, thank God we mature as we get older. Every year has been a bit better. I always say I don't want a gift, and I don't I really just want to spend time with my family having a good time. Last year we went to see The Avengers (because I knew the guys would like it) and went to dinner, and that was great, until the service at the restaurant was bad and made my husband crabby for the rest of the day. Then this year I thought, I really want to go to the drive in and we could kind of make a tradition out of mother's day and super hero movies so we could see Iron Man 3. That is what we did, we celebrated the night before, drove an hour to the drive in grabbed dinner on the way, it was a great night! In my mind the making the extra effort for mother's day was taken care of and my guys did it right.
I woke up this morning, Mother's Day, not expecting much. The usual "good morning momma", a hug, kiss maybe a little cuddle time with the hubby because we had no where to be and nothing but time. I got no recognition at all. I woke up to "mom can we go to the ice cream place, Dad said to ask you".
I have been feeling really bad lately, not sick, but just drained and couldn't figure out why, and had some strange cramping that I don't recall having before. After waking up I go to take a shower and discover why, God has decided to show me today of all days that my body is capable of baring children, but he isn't gonna allow it, and then comes the severe cramps. When I say severe, I mean I want to kill someone they hurt so bad.
Now mind you no one has said, good morning, or so much as hello, I haven't gotten a hug or kiss, nothing that even fits in a normal day much less mother's day. I sat on the couch for a bit, and knowing I had a ton of house work to do, I said "little man, you are going to help, and big man so are you" Not really barking orders but I had three specific things that needed to be done and they could help. Little man, being a typical 5 year old has to be reminded of what he is suppose to be doing constantly, started picking up toys. The only job I gave to big man was to keep little man on task and occasionally take a load of laundry up the stairs for me. He started to take one load up and didn't like the way I was doing things and immediately became my dad, and started yelling and telling me how I was doing it wrong (not that my dad ever did that).
Well, I told him to remove himself swiftly from my line of sight and be so far so that I wouldn't be able to so much as smell him, and that ended ANY help I would receive from him.
I continued to work throughout the day feeling more and more sorry for myself and finally just let him know, I started crying and he made a comment about my emotional roller coaster, but my emotions have stayed at one level all day, extremely high. Big Man grabs little man and decides they need to go pick up dinner, while out they got flowers and a card. I appreciated that, but it wasn't a fix. I needed to feel loved, I mean truly loved. Not something you can get from receiving a gift, I needed affection. OK I will say it all I really freaking needed was a good hug. I had been saying it all day but they just weren't getting it.
Finally after dinner and bath time, me and little man were cuddled in his bed and he was telling me he was sorry he was mean to me today (he really was brutal) and gave me a hug. Then he said "you know mom, there are prettier moms than you". I replied with, "I know, God made everyone different and that is ok, I am happy with who I am." He then said the words that will haunt me to my grave, the first time my child ever truly hurt my feelings, and he wasn't trying to be mean, he was just talking. "Mom I think I could love you more if you weren't so fat, it makes me not love you as much as I want to."
I don't even know what to say. "I am happy with who I am" remember, I just said that. Fact is I am not, but wow! I have so many issues with not being loved or liked or whatever because of my weight, but I never expected to be more or less rejected by my 5 year old son. So now I have to figure out how to deal with this. I said nothing to him, but kissed him and told him I loved him and quietly left the room. I didn't really cry about it till now writing this down. My child can be bad, and he is severely high strung, but he is not cruel so I am not sure how to handle the situation. I guess we will deal with it one day at a time.
I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss for years and I most of the time secretly struggle with this. I don't share with the world how hurt this makes me. I think about it frequently, and even more so when I have my not so monthly visitor. I don't get why I have to suffer with Menses (and yes I suffer, if I could even describe) if I am not going to get the reward of child birth. I don't want to make this blog about infertility, although I will at some point talk about it in more depth.
We were blessed to be able to adopt the little man and I have cherished every minute of our lives with him, but my heart still yearns to give birth, to have a child of my own, to know what other women know, to have that feeling and connection I missed out on. I was just handed a child and said you can raise him. It was kind of alien in a way, all though a joyous time for us.
So back to Mother's day. My first one my husband had to work and it was just like another day, except he felt the pressure to do something because he knew I was kind of excited about my first mother's day so the day ended in a fight. Back then a lot of our days ended that way, thank God we mature as we get older. Every year has been a bit better. I always say I don't want a gift, and I don't I really just want to spend time with my family having a good time. Last year we went to see The Avengers (because I knew the guys would like it) and went to dinner, and that was great, until the service at the restaurant was bad and made my husband crabby for the rest of the day. Then this year I thought, I really want to go to the drive in and we could kind of make a tradition out of mother's day and super hero movies so we could see Iron Man 3. That is what we did, we celebrated the night before, drove an hour to the drive in grabbed dinner on the way, it was a great night! In my mind the making the extra effort for mother's day was taken care of and my guys did it right.
I woke up this morning, Mother's Day, not expecting much. The usual "good morning momma", a hug, kiss maybe a little cuddle time with the hubby because we had no where to be and nothing but time. I got no recognition at all. I woke up to "mom can we go to the ice cream place, Dad said to ask you".
I have been feeling really bad lately, not sick, but just drained and couldn't figure out why, and had some strange cramping that I don't recall having before. After waking up I go to take a shower and discover why, God has decided to show me today of all days that my body is capable of baring children, but he isn't gonna allow it, and then comes the severe cramps. When I say severe, I mean I want to kill someone they hurt so bad.
Now mind you no one has said, good morning, or so much as hello, I haven't gotten a hug or kiss, nothing that even fits in a normal day much less mother's day. I sat on the couch for a bit, and knowing I had a ton of house work to do, I said "little man, you are going to help, and big man so are you" Not really barking orders but I had three specific things that needed to be done and they could help. Little man, being a typical 5 year old has to be reminded of what he is suppose to be doing constantly, started picking up toys. The only job I gave to big man was to keep little man on task and occasionally take a load of laundry up the stairs for me. He started to take one load up and didn't like the way I was doing things and immediately became my dad, and started yelling and telling me how I was doing it wrong (not that my dad ever did that).
Well, I told him to remove himself swiftly from my line of sight and be so far so that I wouldn't be able to so much as smell him, and that ended ANY help I would receive from him.
I continued to work throughout the day feeling more and more sorry for myself and finally just let him know, I started crying and he made a comment about my emotional roller coaster, but my emotions have stayed at one level all day, extremely high. Big Man grabs little man and decides they need to go pick up dinner, while out they got flowers and a card. I appreciated that, but it wasn't a fix. I needed to feel loved, I mean truly loved. Not something you can get from receiving a gift, I needed affection. OK I will say it all I really freaking needed was a good hug. I had been saying it all day but they just weren't getting it.
Finally after dinner and bath time, me and little man were cuddled in his bed and he was telling me he was sorry he was mean to me today (he really was brutal) and gave me a hug. Then he said "you know mom, there are prettier moms than you". I replied with, "I know, God made everyone different and that is ok, I am happy with who I am." He then said the words that will haunt me to my grave, the first time my child ever truly hurt my feelings, and he wasn't trying to be mean, he was just talking. "Mom I think I could love you more if you weren't so fat, it makes me not love you as much as I want to."
I don't even know what to say. "I am happy with who I am" remember, I just said that. Fact is I am not, but wow! I have so many issues with not being loved or liked or whatever because of my weight, but I never expected to be more or less rejected by my 5 year old son. So now I have to figure out how to deal with this. I said nothing to him, but kissed him and told him I loved him and quietly left the room. I didn't really cry about it till now writing this down. My child can be bad, and he is severely high strung, but he is not cruel so I am not sure how to handle the situation. I guess we will deal with it one day at a time.
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