I always get excited about Mother's day, well since I became a mother almost 6 years ago. I am not sure why, I don't expect to be lavished with gifts or be overly pampered, but I had it in my mind that it is the one day, I would be made to feel special. OH BOY WAS I WRONG!!!
I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss for years and I most of the time secretly struggle with this. I don't share with the world how hurt this makes me. I think about it frequently, and even more so when I have my not so monthly visitor. I don't get why I have to suffer with Menses (and yes I suffer, if I could even describe) if I am not going to get the reward of child birth. I don't want to make this blog about infertility, although I will at some point talk about it in more depth.
We were blessed to be able to adopt the little man and I have cherished every minute of our lives with him, but my heart still yearns to give birth, to have a child of my own, to know what other women know, to have that feeling and connection I missed out on. I was just handed a child and said you can raise him. It was kind of alien in a way, all though a joyous time for us.
So back to Mother's day. My first one my husband had to work and it was just like another day, except he felt the pressure to do something because he knew I was kind of excited about my first mother's day so the day ended in a fight. Back then a lot of our days ended that way, thank God we mature as we get older. Every year has been a bit better. I always say I don't want a gift, and I don't I really just want to spend time with my family having a good time. Last year we went to see The Avengers (because I knew the guys would like it) and went to dinner, and that was great, until the service at the restaurant was bad and made my husband crabby for the rest of the day. Then this year I thought, I really want to go to the drive in and we could kind of make a tradition out of mother's day and super hero movies so we could see Iron Man 3. That is what we did, we celebrated the night before, drove an hour to the drive in grabbed dinner on the way, it was a great night! In my mind the making the extra effort for mother's day was taken care of and my guys did it right.
I woke up this morning, Mother's Day, not expecting much. The usual "good morning momma", a hug, kiss maybe a little cuddle time with the hubby because we had no where to be and nothing but time. I got no recognition at all. I woke up to "mom can we go to the ice cream place, Dad said to ask you".
I have been feeling really bad lately, not sick, but just drained and couldn't figure out why, and had some strange cramping that I don't recall having before. After waking up I go to take a shower and discover why, God has decided to show me today of all days that my body is capable of baring children, but he isn't gonna allow it, and then comes the severe cramps. When I say severe, I mean I want to kill someone they hurt so bad.
Now mind you no one has said, good morning, or so much as hello, I haven't gotten a hug or kiss, nothing that even fits in a normal day much less mother's day. I sat on the couch for a bit, and knowing I had a ton of house work to do, I said "little man, you are going to help, and big man so are you" Not really barking orders but I had three specific things that needed to be done and they could help. Little man, being a typical 5 year old has to be reminded of what he is suppose to be doing constantly, started picking up toys. The only job I gave to big man was to keep little man on task and occasionally take a load of laundry up the stairs for me. He started to take one load up and didn't like the way I was doing things and immediately became my dad, and started yelling and telling me how I was doing it wrong (not that my dad ever did that).
Well, I told him to remove himself swiftly from my line of sight and be so far so that I wouldn't be able to so much as smell him, and that ended ANY help I would receive from him.
I continued to work throughout the day feeling more and more sorry for myself and finally just let him know, I started crying and he made a comment about my emotional roller coaster, but my emotions have stayed at one level all day, extremely high. Big Man grabs little man and decides they need to go pick up dinner, while out they got flowers and a card. I appreciated that, but it wasn't a fix. I needed to feel loved, I mean truly loved. Not something you can get from receiving a gift, I needed affection. OK I will say it all I really freaking needed was a good hug. I had been saying it all day but they just weren't getting it.
Finally after dinner and bath time, me and little man were cuddled in his bed and he was telling me he was sorry he was mean to me today (he really was brutal) and gave me a hug. Then he said "you know mom, there are prettier moms than you". I replied with, "I know, God made everyone different and that is ok, I am happy with who I am." He then said the words that will haunt me to my grave, the first time my child ever truly hurt my feelings, and he wasn't trying to be mean, he was just talking. "Mom I think I could love you more if you weren't so fat, it makes me not love you as much as I want to."
I don't even know what to say. "I am happy with who I am" remember, I just said that. Fact is I am not, but wow! I have so many issues with not being loved or liked or whatever because of my weight, but I never expected to be more or less rejected by my 5 year old son. So now I have to figure out how to deal with this. I said nothing to him, but kissed him and told him I loved him and quietly left the room. I didn't really cry about it till now writing this down. My child can be bad, and he is severely high strung, but he is not cruel so I am not sure how to handle the situation. I guess we will deal with it one day at a time.
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